Anxiety has been brewing inside me. Like the time I stood on a rock cliff staring down at the water more than 30 feet below. It's the classic choice of giving into anxiety and stumbling back down the path that got me here, or not letting anxiety boss me around and jumping anyway.
When the choice was about a literal jump off a literal cliff into literal water, nerves and fear twisted my stomach in knots and grew louder in my ears the longer I stood there. Still, standing there "forever" really turned out to be just a couple minutes, I could see the water I would be landing in, and after jumping it was all over in the matter of seconds.
My nerves settled just as soon as I jumped, and I was full of equal parts pride and relief to have made the jump. That settling of nerves is exactly what I've been waiting for over the last few years, and just haven't been able to find. Until recently.
It started when my middle kid went to kindergarten. This mom of three grew accustomed to chaos over my years of motherhood with my passionate kids. My oldest two now spent most the day in school, and the house became strangely quiet with just me and my toddler at home.
You'd think I'd love the break in the chaos, and I kind of did. Yet, along with the quiet came an unnerving sense of alarm. I'd spent years lost in my purpose at home and feeling like these needy babies would never not need me. Now here I was sobered by the reality of how quickly my 9- and 6-year-olds were moving on and that I hadn't spent enough, or any, time preparing for that.
I became more and more uncertain of my future; my identity and purpose were now all wrapped up in home and my kids. Fear twisted my stomach in knots and grew louder in my ears the longer I wondered what was next for me after almost a decade of being stay-at-home-mom.
Over the last couple months especially, as I looked into a specific job opportunity, I felt like I was standing at that cliff edge all over again. I felt a strong urge to jump, to quickly leap from my life as stay-at-home-mom into the working world. But jumping in life is often a much slower process. I worked on my resume, I did the interview, I even got the job. Each step my nerves only grew, fueling my urge to jump.
That's when I realized it was the landing, not the jumping, that held the release of nerves and anxiety I longed for. So as I went through the stages of the jump, I had only to wait in the uncertainty for the landing.
That's where I am now. I landed. I jumped from the life I've known for 10 years as a stay-at-home-mom into a new reality as a working mom. And I am full of equal parts pride and relief to have made this jump.
There is still plenty I'm figuring out for my future (like learning my new job). I'm also still in the middle of processing and reflecting on the decade of mothering young kids that I'm leaving behind. I'm sure that nostalgia will really hit me when our baby goes to kindergarten this fall.
But for now, I'm just so incredibly grateful. For the years of financial sacrifice that have granted me the privilege of being fulltime childcare provider for my kids through their little years. For countless precious memories that far outweigh all of the challenges. For incredible lessons and growth that only comes in thriving through hard things.
For the adventure of the jump, anxiety-inducing and nerve-racking as it may be.
When all's said and done, I wouldn't want to live life any other way.
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